Dating in Dublin …and sometimes elsewhere!

Posts tagged ‘relationships’

Keep an open mind, but always be thinking

Quite an interesting text on “Croppable Relationships”, Ferret Atheism: http://croppable.com/faith/

 

On a related note, yesterday I was reading a presentation on how we decide things depending on the amount of time we’re given to analyze the decision. You can’t rush into things and decide without information, and you can’t just ignore facts and keep your mind closed. Both attitudes will be detrimental to you, in the end. 

And I’m saying this because I see myself doing this every now and then. I noticed I was fighting off having a serious relationship not because I’m not interested in a guy, but because I still have these memories of my last one, which tanked fabulously, and they made me close my mind to any new possibilities.

Fact: I do like James enough that I miss him, and that having gone away for a weekend with Lars made me wish James was there instead.

Fact: I keep pushing him away because I believe I shouldn’t be having another relationship, after how the last one ended.

I was having a brief conversation with a friend and told her I didn’t think I should be jumping in another relationship, after her asking me if I was dating James seriously. 

“One thing has nothing to do with the other. Don’t date him because you don’t want to, but not because it didn’t work with someone else. He’s not the same guy you dated before, it’s unfair to James.”, she said.

And she is right. I’m not thinking, I’m keeping my mind closed for any possibilities because of something that happened in the past. 

If it’s just the past knocking at my window, I should close the curtains and open the door to the new possibilities. Embrace the possibility as much as I embrace him when we meet.

A good read for a lonely Friday night

I decided to stay home today because I didn’t feel particularly special and thought watching a movie by myself was long overdue. Then I read this cute post, and my eyes only watered a bit. Maybe it’s all the mentions to Ireland, maybe it’s that sometimes we realize we are hiding ourselves from the people we share our daily lives with.

http://www.lauraprado.net/the-gift-of-gab/

Oh, life, you heartless bitch.

When worlds collide

I’m by the bar with a few friends and one of the guys I’ve been seeing. We are all waiting for our drinks. It’s my birthday, so I’m paying. I’m waiting for my friend’s Cosmo and then, pay and go back to the area reserved for the party.

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I’m too old for this shit

I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn to look. It’s James. I look at my friend, who’s aware of all the dealings. I look at James. I look at the other guy I’m going out with. I look at James again. I finally get out of my stupor and say hi.

My birthday started uneventful, with me working like crazy, and just running details of what was happening at night with a few friends. Nothing big, just going to a bar, dancing, listening to good music. 

I did invite one of the two guys I’m currently going out with. Let’s call him Lars (he sort of kinda looks like Lars Ulrich). And by going out I mean just having sex and fun. It’s nothing serious with either, I’ve made no promises. Still, I only invited Lars because I didn’t want any trouble. I told James I was going out to a club, even said what was the name, but since he lives far from me (another city), I didn’t bother inviting. Plus, it was the middle of the week.

So I was quite surprised when I got a message from James saying he was on his way to Dublin to say happy birthday to me. One hour before the party.

Nothing I could do, couldn’t tell him to turn back. I said “ok, meet us at the Workmans”. 

And then I say hi. And he hugs me and says happy birthday. Then the obligatory round of introductions commences. Introduce one friend, introduce the other friend, introduce Lars, the other guy I’ve been sleeping with… you could cut the tension with a butter knife. I looked at my friend and say “help me” with my eyes.

We all went to dance and talk. Talked to James a bit, talked to Lars a bit, and I could feel both trying to inquire who the other was. How they caught up on the situation is beyond me. I wasn’t cuddly with neither. I was trying to remain neutral, because I like them both and don’t want to cause any heartache. I’m pretty sure they have other people going on and I wouldn’t like it if they flaunted them in front of me. Manners, people.

My friend was able to keep Lars at bay for most of the time. I paid high in drinks for that, and I don’t regret it. And everything was ok, until James noticed Lars coming and dancing very close to me. Just being flirty in general with his dancing. He doesn’t have good moves, but you know, it’s cute anyway.

James gave him such a dirty look I thought he’d punch the guy right there, in the middle of the dance floor. He then pulled me towards him to dance. What the heck was I supposed to do? I tore away from him. It was a bit caveman-like, protecting his woman from other predators. And although I did feel valued, I don’t think he has any rights towards me, so I just took some distance and kept dancing, near both, trying to maintain a positive attitude. After all, it was my birthday.

After a while Lars left and went to talk to another group of people. Nothing I could have said or done. I figured a guy that drives all the way to Dublin to be with me middle of the week  deserves some praise. Lars is lovely, but I can see him anytime. 

Night ended with James at my house, telling me stories about his family and explaining why he stood me up those two times (after I called him a bastard to his face for doing so). Turns out reasons were far more serious than I imagined. And he had even bought me a birthday present. He was treating me like a princess, I’ll tell you. Realizing there was competition made him step up his game. For a solid ten minutes, I wished he was my boyfriend.

Oh, and did I mention I’m travelling with Lars next week? 

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James is laughing because he won this round.

Being free is so incredibly good

After reading Deb’s post yesterday, I realized a couple of things that made me smile.

First, I never celebrated Valentine’s before, but I know too well the loneliness of not having someone to celebrate a romantic holiday, especially when there is someone you’d want to spend it with. Even if misplaced in time, I’ve felt that. But then I realized that, for the first time in my life, I’m alone (but certainly not lonely) and happy. 

I feel free, just completely and utterly free. I go out when I want, I go out with whomever I wish, or by myself if I feel like it, and I don’t care much what anyone thinks about it, or if I’m fulfilling some sort of social expectation. 

For a long time (well, pretty much my whole adult life to this point), I always had this anxiety related to doing my part in what people consider to be a regular life: study, find a job, find love, get married, have kids, get old, die. All these things are nice if you want them – except the dying part. But if you don’t, they can be toxic. And sometimes you’re not aware of not really wanting them, because you’ve been bombarded your whole life with needing to do exact the same thing that everyone does. And then you’re unhappy because you’re doing things you don’t care about.

It’s like having a job you only keep because you need to. You don’t like it, but you were told that you need to work to earn a living and that work isn’t play, so it will probably suck. Not completely true. You can actually have fun working. And you can be happy without being in love, marrying and having kids.

I don’t want to be cynical and say that this is something I’ll never want: marriage, kids, etc. Right now, it’s not, but never say never, right? To anything. But Valentine’s day is a glorification of exactly this: love that’ll lead to these things. It doesn’t celebrate having fun with a handsome stranger you’ve met in a bar/online (thought that happens quite often in Valentine’s day 🙂 ).

Love can take many formats, and can have different lengths. I fall in love for a short while with someone and maybe next week I don’t want them anymore. Is it not “love” love? That really just depends on how you look at it. There are too many kinds of love and none is more important than the other. The most important one is the one that matters to you.

Right now, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, and I’m not romantically involved or platonically in love with anyone, and that’s a first. I said that to a friend of mine and complained “how come no one told me I’d be happy like this?”, and she replied “we probably knew that, but the message was drowned among all the happy-lovy ones”. 

Now I can hear the message loud and clear: being happy doesn’t require a second person. If you need someone else to make you happy, you probably will fail in the long run, because you need to be able to live with yourself happily. You’re not attached to anyone 24h a day. There will be times when you’ll be on your own, and you have to have fun in those times too, not just suffer through it until someone new comes along.

Valentine’s day is a cute thing, but not my cup of tea. I’d rather celebrate that I’m finally content with the life I have.

User is emotionally unavailable. Please try again later.

Since I am in the middle of the most pointless meeting of my entire life, I would like to let you know of some recent developments and also share an epiphany I had:

  • Seven-hour chat guy (please see WTF 2): excitement cooled down, as it usually happens to me. I feel bad for this. I always do this. I have excellent conversations, but then I realize there’s some sort of hurdle and it just gets me uninterested. In his case it’s the distance, which is not terrible (still within the same country), but there’s so many interesting men around here, that I fail to see why I would move my butt all the way over there. If he wants to come around that’s fine.
  • Random guy appears!: A random (not super random, still a 76% compatibility) guy sent a message last week, saying we had some similar interests and if I’d like to have a talk about it. Sure, I am always game for a chat. So we’re meeting tonight for what I thought were a cup of coffee and a muffin. Turns out the place is a wine bar and a sort of fancy one. I have a class before, so I can’t dress up. Let’s hope he doesn’t hold it against me.
  • 45 message guy: this does not merit talking about too much. The only thing worth mentioning is that this has been the first guy who went straight into sexy banter, instead of the whole “hey, we like the same stuff” spiel. It was fun and we exchanged 45 messages in the space of two hours, because all messages were pretty much one-liners. 

I realized there’s a weird thing about online dating that I haven’t been liking: most of these guys are quite interesting in terms of what they like, how they think. And they’re not bad looking. I would certainly waste an hour or two with them, had we met in a bar or club. But given the amount of stuff I already know about them, it’s putting me off. I don’t feel like I want to meet them, because then it will be either disappointing if there’s no chemistry, or if there is, there’s that pressure to turn it into something meaningful. If I had just met them in a club, I wouldn’t have any reservations about just having fun and leaving it at that.

Amanda is emotionally unavailable at the moment. Please leave a message and I’ll get back to you whenever possible.

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