Dating in Dublin …and sometimes elsewhere!

Posts tagged ‘online dating’

Aside

FWB, but I don’t get any of the benefits!

I meant to write sooner, but I was immersed in huge plans for the future (which include no men whatsoever, thankfully).

I received a gem of a proposition on okcupid that I must share… it clearly was sent in bulk to any woman in the region.

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It doesn’t piss me off, sir, don’t worry about it. “Hey, I’m looking to have meaningless sex with you, but I’ve got no picture and I’m describing myself as amazing. I’m sure your dry spell has lasted long enough that you would accept my proposition without even seeing a picture of me.”

Yes, that works every time.

Plus, a guy who is dying to get the hell out of a place I claim to love on my profile? At least do your homework, buddy.

Bored to death on a Monday night

Walking back from the restaurant today I couldn’t think of anything but how boring this guy was. Capital B boring. Two hours of my life I’ll never get back.

I had gone out with him before. He was the guy that showed up in company attire for our date. He was my first date out of OkCupid, and the first person I ever EVER went on a proper date with in my life. I knew he was boring, but I just didn’t remember how much.

I think there are two things a man should never do if he intends to land a next date (or just plain get laid) with me: try to impress me with money and talk about himself the whole time. He got it wrong on both counts.

I think the first one may not be a deal breaker for everyone, but for me it’s annoying. I don’t care at all how much money someone’s got, or how well paid they are. Go tell your mom, she’ll be proud. Rubbing that on my face isn’t really gonna help. If I cared about money I wouldn’t have graduated in Journalism.

The second one is where I believe most people will agree with me: if the person sitting across from you is talking non-stop about all the amazing things they do or did, and how incredibly generous, funny, adventurous, [put your own adjective here] they are, then it’s certain that I’ll lose interest in no time. I have a bit of an ego, I want someone to be interested in what I’m saying. Even among friends, I want to be heard and be asked about things. This guy was so consumed by his own amazingness that he probably could have gone on and on even if I decided to leave. On a second thought, I should have left.

I actually enjoy listening to other people, but I like that to be mutual, that’s the natural way. I listen to you, ask questions, and then you ask me something and that’s called chatting. What I had today was a monologue. 

I only went out again with him because he wouldn’t stop asking. I honestly thought that maybe I misjudged him and at the first date he was nervous and talking nonstop to cover for it. But no. That’s his normal self. Gotta admire how much confidence and pride for himself he’s god. But not something for me. 

A sad contrast with my last Monday date, which was quite adorable, simple and plain fun. Random guy of last week was just wonderful, in comparison to car wreck guy of today.

User is emotionally unavailable. Please try again later.

Since I am in the middle of the most pointless meeting of my entire life, I would like to let you know of some recent developments and also share an epiphany I had:

  • Seven-hour chat guy (please see WTF 2): excitement cooled down, as it usually happens to me. I feel bad for this. I always do this. I have excellent conversations, but then I realize there’s some sort of hurdle and it just gets me uninterested. In his case it’s the distance, which is not terrible (still within the same country), but there’s so many interesting men around here, that I fail to see why I would move my butt all the way over there. If he wants to come around that’s fine.
  • Random guy appears!: A random (not super random, still a 76% compatibility) guy sent a message last week, saying we had some similar interests and if I’d like to have a talk about it. Sure, I am always game for a chat. So we’re meeting tonight for what I thought were a cup of coffee and a muffin. Turns out the place is a wine bar and a sort of fancy one. I have a class before, so I can’t dress up. Let’s hope he doesn’t hold it against me.
  • 45 message guy: this does not merit talking about too much. The only thing worth mentioning is that this has been the first guy who went straight into sexy banter, instead of the whole “hey, we like the same stuff” spiel. It was fun and we exchanged 45 messages in the space of two hours, because all messages were pretty much one-liners. 

I realized there’s a weird thing about online dating that I haven’t been liking: most of these guys are quite interesting in terms of what they like, how they think. And they’re not bad looking. I would certainly waste an hour or two with them, had we met in a bar or club. But given the amount of stuff I already know about them, it’s putting me off. I don’t feel like I want to meet them, because then it will be either disappointing if there’s no chemistry, or if there is, there’s that pressure to turn it into something meaningful. If I had just met them in a club, I wouldn’t have any reservations about just having fun and leaving it at that.

Amanda is emotionally unavailable at the moment. Please leave a message and I’ll get back to you whenever possible.

WTF – Part 2

Just to keep all my six readers updated on this: James called to apologize. I accepted, because I have a hard time being a bitch, even when it’s completely called for. I tend to be nice even to people who do despicable things. it’s just my nature.

I was so pissed at the whole thing, and then, I spent the last seven hours talking to one of the most interesting men I have ever met online, so I kinda don’t care as much anymore.

Like the saying goes, nothing better to get over an old love than a new one, right?

And I obviously didn’t get any work done today. I wonder why I am strapped for cash lately… OkCupid is detrimental to my financial well being.

Coincidences, coincidences…

The moment you realize a guy who’s been messaging you on OKCupid is a guy who not only works at the same place as you, but is in your area. Ok, it’s 300 people in my area, but let’s face it, that’s just unbelievable.

And then your best friend informs you that he’s married, and is her neighbor.

And he’s got the same name of another guy you’ve been seeing which, people have told me, actually happens!

This is also not gonna end well.

Friendzoning as a defense mechanism

Today I spent around an hour discussing online dating with a friend whom I had introduced to okcupid. She was just telling me about the sort of message she receives, and about the dates she had lined up. Dates, plural.

I haven’t been doing this long, to be honest. And also, most of my recent dates have been with people I didn’t meet online. I have had, so far, only two dates with people I met online.  How come she got into this after me and already has that many dates arranged (way more than two), and that many guys being flirty with her? I talk to a lot of guys, but I never get that many invitations.

I started going through my okcupid inbox, looking at the type of message I received and trying to find a common ground, something that would tell me what I was doing wrong. And I mean wrong because most of the guys I exchange messages with end up disappearing or never inviting me to anything. Was I scaring them away from a real, offline encounter? Was I that boring or unnatractive? Is it because I’m over 30 and she’s not?

Then, it dawned on me. I am friendzoning* them. Subconsciously on purpose.

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This is me, friendzoning all my possible suitors in okcupid

What I noticed from my messages was:

  1. I always go for the shy type (that really doesn’t help in being asked out)
  2. I send long messages. Very long.
  3. I talk my head off in these messages, and just keep doing it, never steer the conversation into “real life”

It’s like I’m trying to find an online BFF. Or fill a form about their qualities as a possible mate, even before I consider if I even want to kiss the guy.

I discussed already how we should not use strategies in online dating that we wouldn’t adopt in offline dating. This is one of them. If you met someone randomly, you wouldn’t proceed to find out every single thing about them before analyzing if you have any sort of chemistry. First chemistry, then the rest.

In online dating, of course you look at the photo and make an assumption based on that. But until you don’t see the living breathing specimen in front of you, you can’t tell. Ok, sometimes you can tell, but let’s agree it’s the exception, shall we?

And why do I do this? Why do I go backwards and shoot myself in the foot?

Because I’m afraid.

I’m extremely afraid this very interesting guy I’ve been talking so much to but have never seen will not live up to expectations, leaving me in an awkward position. Now, if I friend zone him from the beginning, and am neutral about my intentions, then if it all becomes weird, I can feel like I did no harm. Never led the guy on. But the truism is true: no pain, no gain. I need to run the risk to reap the benefits. Maybe it’ll end up being an awkward date where I have to be explicit about “it was fun, but there’s no chemistry”. It’s a weird sentence I have never said.

So, yeah, it’s my fault. I’m just kicking them into the precipice before I run the risk of being disappointed.

Fear is a freaking powerful feeling. And this is not just fear, it’s fear + need for being liked by every single human being on the planet. Someone would say “what do I care if I disappoint a guy by telling him I don’t want to kiss him?”. I’d say “oh my god, if I disappoint a guy by telling him I don’t want to kiss him he’ll think I’m a bitch!” And truth be told, the bigger bitch is the one that tells you “it was wonderful, let’s do this again!” and then never answers your messages.

I thought I was over worrying about what others think of me. Apparently, I was wrong.

*If you’re not familiar with the friend zone, it’s because you’re in it and haven’t been through the tunnel yet. Or you’re Hugh Hefner. Here’s a cartoon to help you understand your situation: http://zona9.ro/tag/the-friend-zone/

Dating a downer

I read today a great (albeit old) post on It’s not OK, Cupid. The blog seems to be gone, but there are some good stories in there.

She talks about how some people doing online dating seem to think that everyone there is automatically a loser who could not succeed in meeting people during the course of “real life”, and that includes themselves.
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I was wondering if I thought that too at some point, and I realized I didn’t. I grew up on the internet, online dating seems natural. The world is huge, maybe my better half is somewhere I’d never have access to if it wasn’t for the internet. I’ve made so many amazing friends online that I’ll always be the poster girl for meeting people online.

But back to the self-loathing daters. There indeed is a part of the population that thinks they need to state right out of the bat all that’s wrong with them, and let every potential match know they’re broken and aware of that. It’s the defense mechanism: if I let you know right away what I think is wrong, you can’t pin it on my when it affects you, and then I don’t have to change.

How many times have you gone to a person in a social situation and in the course of a 30 minute conversation told them all that you thought was wrong with you? It doesn’t work offline, and won’t work online. 

A dating profile is not a marriage proposal. Everyone has many, many flaws and they’ll become apparent through the course of having a relationship. Some will be deal breakers, some won’t. Of course you shouldn’t hide anything that you consider relevant to finding a good match, but you shouldn’t also play against yourself. Lay the cards in your favor, tell people about what’s good in you, and hope for the best. Maybe you think you’re desperate for looking at online dating. It may just be that you’re tired of going to clubs and not being able to even listen to the other person.

And then there’s a category I consider just as worse: the downers. These are the people who would rather tell everyone what they hate, what they’re not into, what they won’t accept, instead of focusing on the positive. Nice way to start a relationship.

I’ve read so many “don’t want any…” or “if you’re into <add any sort of entertainment thing> don’t bother writing” or even worse “If you like <particular thing the guy doesn’t like>, maybe you should reflect on where your life is going”. Seriously? Let’s save the hurtful talk for when we are married and begin to hate each other, shall we? 

“I’m tired of playing games and don’t want to meet you if you’re do this sort of sick thing”, said no one ever, in a social environment. So don’t do it online. 

And then there are the victimizers. The ones that state somewhere in their profile that women must be dumb bitches who probably love to be emotionally abused because he’s such a nice guy and he’s still single. They don’t use these words, but may as well, because there’s nothing short of “poor me” syndrome in there. 

It may be that Dublin is different. For a country in such an economical depression, I’d expect to find the saddest types around here. But no. They’re actually very upbeat, forward-looking and positive about life. What I read most is “I’m happy”, “I’m doing something I love”, “I’m looking for someone to share fun times”, and so on. No dramatic life-has-been-harsh-on-me-and-you-should-love-me-because-I’m-one-of-the-few-decent-guys-around. Irish guys are generally happy in my experience, even when things are not going so well. This attitude is what draws me towards them more often than other nationalities.

Dating should always be about having fun and meeting new and interesting people. It’s not a desperation move. If you’re getting into this with a depressing perspective, you won’t go far. You’ll run into abusive types who prey on lack of self-respect, or you’ll end up bitter because you don’t meet anyone. Like so many people have said before, if you don’t love yourself, no one will. 

Learn to have fun by yourself, then go looking for someone to share the good times.

 

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